Will Graham is immune to bribery
by JacobFaeWyldes
Summary: Will has had enough of Hannibal using the Pack to get rid of evidence... Part of the 'When I LARP with my Girlfriend' series, but can be read as a stand alone.


**Disclaimer: We don't own Hannibal Lecter, Will Graham, or Abigail Hobbs**

 **Rene: Will Graham**

 **Dev: Hannibal Lecter**

 **and our good friend mr_dulcet played Abigail Hobbs**

* * *

Work Text:

 **Will** :

Goddammit it Hannibal! Stop using my dogs as ways to destroy evidence!

 **Hannibal** :

Will. I am not taking advantage, nor "using". I am simply making good use of my resources.

 **Will** :

You are 'taking advantage' of my DOGS.

 **Hannibal** :

Canines.

 **Will** :

…

 **Hannibal** :

I'm quite sure Pedro is actually part wolf. Therefore, canines.

 **Will** :

...Yup, you're sleeping on the couch for the next month.

 **Hannibal** :

Will! That is entirely unfair!

 **Hannibal** :

I will wash your canines clean of blood. Does that sound a sufficient compensation?

 **Will** :

...

 **Will** :

...You feed my dogs people you have killed without my consent...

 **Will:**

So…

 **Will** :

No.

 **Will** :

You're going to have to do better than that.

 **Hannibal** :

I always check if they have any diseases, first, so no harm can really come to them. If you wish, I will feed them only animal for a week. But I'm quite sure that they have gained a taste for homosapien by now.

 **Will** :

Nope.

 **Hannibal** :

Will! That is very generous, you must see!

 **Will** :

Abigail, talk some sense into you father.

 **Hannibal** :

WILL! STOP THIS FOOLISHNESS!

 **Will** :

No.

 **Hannibal** :

Abigail, dear, you mustn't fret. Will is just behaving badly.

 **Will** :

You're on the couch until further notice.

 **Abigail** :

No, Dad's (Will) right.

 **Will** :

Thank you Abigail. *Smiles*

 **Abigail** :

*Smiles back*

 **Hannibal** :

Then I am loathed to inform you that an Ikea is just down the road. They have a sale on beds and mattresses, I hear. *Glares at Abigail*

 **Will** :

Hannibal! You aren't getting out of it that easily!

 **Abigail** :

*Smiles innocently*

 **Hannibal** :

*Glowers* I'll be at Ikea if you need anything…

 **Will** :

*Pats Abigail on the head*

 **Hannibal** :

STOP MAKING HER YOUR MINION, WILLIAM!

 **Abigail** :

*Laughs*

 **Will** :

*Smiles innocently and flutters eyelashes* Whatever did I do?

 **Hannibal** :

You kissed me. Therefore, you are automatically evil.

 **Will** :

I think the press would disagree; according to them, I am a damsel that has been taken captive by that terrible monster… Hannibal the Cannibal!

 **Hannibal** :

I'm sure I can get dear Freddie to… _revise_ her previous statement. Although in all honesty, she is quite the horrid woman…

 **Abigail** :

Father, why are you bringing _her_ into this? There's no reason for it.

 **Hannibal** :

Just as there was no reason for William to recruit you.

 **Abigail** :

*Gasps*

 **Will** :

HANNIBAL!

 **Hannibal** :

… My apologies. That was not meant as any form of offense.

 **Will** :

Back to the matter at hand; I'll let you in my bed after two weeks…If you behave.

 **Hannibal** :

Waiting for such time to elapse is a pointless endeavor made petty by your later comment. I am no dog! And I have no such inclination to "behave".

 **Will** :

Last night would contradict your statement.

 **Hannibal** :

... typical Will. Always bringing sexual intercourse into everything. I'll buy a canine pack of my own if you have such wishes.

 **Will** :

And if you did get dogs, you would have to care for them...imagine it: All those fleas, slobber all over your best suits, and the shed fur…!

 **Hannibal** :

... Abbie, dear. I know a way you can earn money.

 **Will** :

And you can't have Abbie care for them; she has school. You want her to succeed, after all?

 **Abigail** :

Yeah, please don't drag me into this.

 **Hannibal** :

Will, I feel you enjoy my misery.

 **Hannibal** :

I could just hire someone!

 **Will** :

Then the couch it is for you, love.

 **Hannibal** :

Why?! It seems a perfectly plausible idea!

 **Will** :

But then someone would know we are here. Abby and I are listed as having been kidnapped, you know.

 **Hannibal** :

Will, you have a PACK of dogs. surely, you wouldn't notice a few more...?

 **Will** :

… perhaps, you can convince me...?

 **Hannibal** :

Oh? I rather like that idea.

 **Abigail** :

Oh no... oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! NO!

 **Hannibal** :

What would you think of a few... toys? Abby, you may want to leave the chat room.

 **Will** :

I would not be opposed to the idea…

 **Abigail** :

I'M GOING TO LEAVE NOW!

 **Hannibal** :

Hmm? And what more?

 **Will** :

...You're on the couch for the next few days.

 **Hannibal** :

THAT'S HARDLY FAIR! Perhaps a day... indoors, would convince you?

 **Will** :

I don't know…

 **Hannibal** :

 _With_ the toys?

 **Will** :

Hmmmm...

 **Hannibal** :

... _And_ no murders for two days?

 **Will** :

*raises an eyebrow* Do you think you could manage that?

 **Hannibal** :

Yes. If I had the promise of dog care, that is. Think of all we could... ACCOMPLISH, if you said yes.

 **Will** :

Hmmmmmm…

How about…

…

…

…

…

…

…

FUCK. NO.

 **Hannibal** :

WHAT IF I BUY YOU A NEW DOG, TOO!?

 **Will** :

Honey, if I was that easy to bribe, I never would have made in as a cop in New Orleans.

 **Hannibal** :

Four new dogs. And an extended wing in which to house them

 **Will** :

Abigail? What's your take on the matter?

 **Abigail** :

It's not enough. *smug smirk at Hannibal*

 **Will** :

I thought so too…

 **Hannibal** :

Abby! I'll tell him about Jake.

 **Abigail** :

You. Wouldn't. Dare.

 **Will** :

 _Who_?

 **Abigail** :

Nobody!

 **Hannibal** :

Sweetie, of course, I would. We're the murder family, as dubbed by dearest Freddie, after all.

 **Will** :

Tell me about _who_?

 **Hannibal** :

Abigail, would you like to re-word your take?

 **Abigail** :

…

Throw in another dog, and it'll be perfect...

 **Hannibal** :

Five dogs it is! How does that sound, William?

 **Will** :

No.

 **Hannibal** :

Why not?!

 **Will** :

Because I like seeing you suffer.

 **Hannibal** :

If you say no one more time, I'll cut myself off from civilization. Again. Just so you can't see me suffer.

 **Will** :

…

 **Hannibal** :

YES OR NO, WILLIAM?!

 **Will** :

…

 **Hannibal** :

WILLIAM GRAHAM!

 **Will** :

...

 **Hannibal** :

William. Graham. I am this far away from refraining from sexual actions for a week!

 **Will** :

...Fuck me until I can't walk properly for weeks. Get me nine purebred wolves- Five males, four females-, and a new wing of the house just for my pack. Then, I _might_ consider it.

 **Abigail:**

Oh, well that's my cue to go to a friend's house and never return, bye!

 **Hannibal** :

…

...All of that?

 **Will** :

Well, you could get me ten wolves. Five male and five female.

 **Hannibal** :

Nine it is! Sounds good! Now perhaps fulfilling the first part of the deal is in order...

 **Will** :

One more thing. I get to strap you down during sex.

 **Hannibal** :

William!

 **Will** :

:D

You get to watch me ride you!

 **Hannibal** :

... Fine. *Shifts slightly, looking around conspicuously*

 **Will** :

And after I recover from the fuck, you get to…

 **Hannibal** :

Yes?

 **Will** :

…

 **Hannibal** :

YES?

 **Will** :

…

 **Hannibal** :

YES!?

 **Will** :

...Enjoy the couch for a week! :D

 **Hannibal** :

WILLIAM FRANKLIN FUCKING GRAHAM!

 **The End!**

 **Edvin: Ah, the murder family dynamics never get old.  
Rene: Yup! And thank you lect, for putting up with our nagging.**


End file.
